A week later..

It's been a little over a week since I found out my pregnancy was lost. Physically, I'm uncomfortable.. there are short shooting pains and general tenderness in my abdominal area. Emotionally, I've become a sad, angry and guilt ridden reck.

If nothing else is on my side, I hope my doctor is more up to date on this subject than others. Some poor women I've read about have doctors who have only had one or no moral pregnancies in their years of being doctors. Oddly enough, my doctor actaully mentioned to me while we were prepping for the surgery that she has dealt with several molar pregnanices this year. She did not look happy about that fact, but what she said was something along the lines of "I've had molar pregnancies in my office this year than I have in my twenty plus years of being a doctor."

The guilt I am feeling is weird. I don't feel like its my fault this has happened. But I feel guilty that everyone is sad for me. I also feel guilty that I got my parents and David's parents excited for their first grandchild and now they have to be sad too. I wish now that we hadn't told anyone. I also feel guilty that I'm not returning phone calls of people who are just worried about us.

I just don't want to explain this to people. When I have to explain that I didn't "lose the baby" and that technically there probably was no baby, I feel like some people react with a "well, than there really wasn't a loss" outlook. Like, since there wasn't a baby, it wasn't as bad. And not because they are bad people, but because they can't understand. Losing a baby we thought was there but wasn't, hurts terrible too.

And the number one worst thing about talkng to people (especailly in person or one the phone) is hearing them say "I'm sorry" because the only response I can manage is "It's ok" and it chokes me up and brings tears to my eyes because in my heart that statement is a downright lie. Because to me, it isn't ok.

Add to that the fact that in my circle of friends, I'm the tough one, the one that gives the advice, the one with the head on her shoulders.. now I have breakdown and be the one that needs the support and its weird and hard, when I'm used to being the one strong for others.. so instead I keep finding myself trying to be strong for others for my own loss.

I am angry with nature. I feel like she scammed us. Nature is a big con artist. She made me believe I was going to have a baby. She let me and my husband rub my belly and talk to a baby that wasn't there until I was "12 weeks" and then yelled "You've been punked!". On top of pulling it away, we got left with rules that said we can't try to concieve again for a year and that I have a chance of developing molar pregnacy related cancer. Worst consolation prizes ever.

And now we wait..

So, I just got back from emergency surgery. Went into the doctor's office this morning expecting blood tests and/or an ultrasound and was instead given directions to the hospital.

Apparently, I was suffering from a molar pregnacny. Bascially, my body believes I'm pregnant, but the cells split all wrong and chromosomes go wild and instead of baby I end up with clusters of mismatched cells all over my uterus. Unfortunately, this means no chance of a baby and it also means no chance my body will remove the clusters nauturally.

In fact, if not taken care of surgically, molar pregnancies can cause hemorriging or even cervical cancer.

The chances of getting a molar pregnancy? 1 in 1000. Go figure, I've never even won a raffle.

So now it is over, I am to recover for 48 hours. Thats not the hard part. With a molar pregnancy I have to wait at least six months to get the okay to try to get pregnant again. *heart break* Dr. O'Flynn warned that getting pregnant before that could lead to miscarriage or even worse molar cells that are left over mixing with the new fetal cells and ultimately destroying what would be healthy pregnancy.

Right now, I think this experience is like being dumped by my first real boyfriend. I know there will be others, but nothing hurts your heart quite as bad.

What now?

So, I had the ultrasound today. No good news to come from it.

Apparently, they can see an expanded uterus, but only debris within it. No baby. Not this time.

I knew there was something wrong while the technician was doing the ultrasound. She had told me to begin with that once she was sure there was something to see, "Dad" could come in, but they never went to go get David. Sent me back to the waiting room because they were awaiting a return call from my doctor.

A long wait, and a conversation that's purpose was to tell me we're sorry, no hope.

They don't seem to know why I haven't experienced any bleeding, or why I haven't dispelled the birth, but they did seem certain there was no life there.

They say a woman loves a baby from the moment she knows shes pregnant. And I guess I did too. Now I'm left to wait, to wait and see when whatever I had that was considered a pregnancy will go away.

What do I do with the clothes I've bought? With the books on my bedstand? I guess the obvious answer is wait for next time. How hard is that though? It was hard enough thinking I had to wait until December. Now December will come and pass without that gift.

I get really angry when the universe does stuff like this to me. This isn't the first time, but it is the worst.

Last time the universe killed my poor six month old kitten. Which was a really terrible and rotten thing to do. She was a tiny simaese tabby kitten mix. She was the first pet David and I had gotten, and his first cat ever. We had just fallen head over heels in love with her and had her for a few months when we found out she had a fatal rare cat virus. We fought like hell to save her but in the end she was taken from us. She was the picture of innocence, and I did everything I could, but in the end there was no hope.

I had just begun to forgive the universe for taking my sweet Nikki kitten, when it decides to take my first pregnancy.

I don't understand. I try to do everything right. I try to help those who need it. I am not a bad person, I am better person than a lot of people I know, and yet repeatedly bad things happen. Terrible things.

I did everything right. I cut caffeine, stayed out of hottubs.. everything. It doesn't help. Still no baby.

Now I have the task of letting the people know that something went wrong. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to look at another human being right now, let alone talk to them or hear their condolences.

I just want to be alone.. and when I think that, now I cry because I am. No longer is it me and somebody else sitting here, its just me.

Boy or Girl?

Not to sound cliche, but what we want most is not male or female, but healthy.

Ask me again next around though, and you can bet my answer will change.

This baby, my first baby, doesn't have to be a boy or a girl, but next time, I'll want whatever we don't already have. If we have a little boy for example, next time I am pregnant I will be praying for a healthy baby girl and vice versa if we welcome a girl into the family this December.

However, in our hearts, we might be leaning towards a boy, but only because the cutest clothes we have found so far are for boys.

Since before I knew for certain I was pregnant, I have been telling David I think it will be a girl. And girls first are better in my opinion, as their maternal instinct leads them to be a better example for their siblings. In my personal experience, I know a lot of older brothers who were not good influences, but a lot of older sisters who were like a third parent.


However, the girls David works with (hi girls if your reading!), say that because I think it is a girl, it is definitly a boy.

David says to me, "I only make men". Ha ha!! David's theroy is that his father only had two boys, and all of his father's brothers only had boys. Therefore David believes he only contains the genetic makeup to have boys.

What fun! I would love to hold either my daughter or my son, and I know Dave feels the same. Nathan or Sophia.

Can't wait to see whoever is in there tomorrow!!

New toy to blog with!!

There are two things that I don't spend enough time doing, one is journeling my existence, the other is bragging about my wonderful husband.

Today, I got an excuse to do both of those things more. My David suggested, or rather talked me into, getting a mini lap top as a pregnancy gift for myself. As he said, "it would be nice" if I could sit wherever I like and blog. It also gives me more flexibility to get started on my book, which I always say I will do, but don't.

So now, thanks to my wonderful and thoughtful husband, I can now blog as I cuddle with him on the couch, as he watches tv.

Don't forget, tomorrow is a very important day. Not because I am having a yard sale, although I am having a yard sale, but because David and I get to meet our baby!

Tomorrow is ultrasound day!

There are so many things going on in my head when I think about tomorrow. Will I be able to make out a the image of a small baby? Will everything be ok? Am I really pregnant (I still find it hard to believe)?

I keep worrying the technician will give us a somber look as she is looking around in there, and the annouce something isn't quite right... however unlikely that scenerio may be.

I also have this image of the technician looking over at us and telling us its twins. Ha ha.. oh my goodness I would pass out. Not that I wouldn't love twins as much as I would a single baby, but.. oh lets double the new mom's workload.

Another scenerio that I almost hope for, is that the tech will tell us we are further along than we thought (always a possibility by my calculations) and be able to tell us if we are (or is it I am?) creating a boy or a girl.

A subject for another post that boy/girl thing, but wish us luck tomorrow!

10 Weeks Pregnant Pic

10 Weeks Pregnant Picture. Taken last week.

11 weeks pregnant picture to follow shortly..

11 Week Doctor Visit

We have had a weird week, as my mom was supposed to have kidney removal surgery on Friday, but had a panick attack at the hospital and didn't go through with it.

So I've been running around preparing for the surgery, and then undoing preparations for a few days.

We went to Dr. O'Flynn's office for our first appointment yesterday, and although we didn't meet Dr. O'Flynn herself, the office is calmest and most welcoming enviornment we've ever experienced in a doctor's office. Even David was impressed.

Went through medical history; they are sending me to a specialist at Kennedy to schedule a plan for a fetal echogram because of a hole in my mother's heart that they believe she was born with. So, sometime after 20 weeks we are going to check the baby for the same thing. The nurse also attempted to let us hear the heartbeat, but no luck yet.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for Saturday for dating purposes, David and I are so excited to see who's in there!

Anyhow, I think the morning sickness is starting to become less frequent and I'm beginning to feel less pregnant because of the lack of symptoms and there isn't much to see.

I am so looking forward to Saturday, so I can feel pregnant again :)