What now?

So, I had the ultrasound today. No good news to come from it.

Apparently, they can see an expanded uterus, but only debris within it. No baby. Not this time.

I knew there was something wrong while the technician was doing the ultrasound. She had told me to begin with that once she was sure there was something to see, "Dad" could come in, but they never went to go get David. Sent me back to the waiting room because they were awaiting a return call from my doctor.

A long wait, and a conversation that's purpose was to tell me we're sorry, no hope.

They don't seem to know why I haven't experienced any bleeding, or why I haven't dispelled the birth, but they did seem certain there was no life there.

They say a woman loves a baby from the moment she knows shes pregnant. And I guess I did too. Now I'm left to wait, to wait and see when whatever I had that was considered a pregnancy will go away.

What do I do with the clothes I've bought? With the books on my bedstand? I guess the obvious answer is wait for next time. How hard is that though? It was hard enough thinking I had to wait until December. Now December will come and pass without that gift.

I get really angry when the universe does stuff like this to me. This isn't the first time, but it is the worst.

Last time the universe killed my poor six month old kitten. Which was a really terrible and rotten thing to do. She was a tiny simaese tabby kitten mix. She was the first pet David and I had gotten, and his first cat ever. We had just fallen head over heels in love with her and had her for a few months when we found out she had a fatal rare cat virus. We fought like hell to save her but in the end she was taken from us. She was the picture of innocence, and I did everything I could, but in the end there was no hope.

I had just begun to forgive the universe for taking my sweet Nikki kitten, when it decides to take my first pregnancy.

I don't understand. I try to do everything right. I try to help those who need it. I am not a bad person, I am better person than a lot of people I know, and yet repeatedly bad things happen. Terrible things.

I did everything right. I cut caffeine, stayed out of hottubs.. everything. It doesn't help. Still no baby.

Now I have the task of letting the people know that something went wrong. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to look at another human being right now, let alone talk to them or hear their condolences.

I just want to be alone.. and when I think that, now I cry because I am. No longer is it me and somebody else sitting here, its just me.