A week later..

It's been a little over a week since I found out my pregnancy was lost. Physically, I'm uncomfortable.. there are short shooting pains and general tenderness in my abdominal area. Emotionally, I've become a sad, angry and guilt ridden reck.

If nothing else is on my side, I hope my doctor is more up to date on this subject than others. Some poor women I've read about have doctors who have only had one or no moral pregnancies in their years of being doctors. Oddly enough, my doctor actaully mentioned to me while we were prepping for the surgery that she has dealt with several molar pregnanices this year. She did not look happy about that fact, but what she said was something along the lines of "I've had molar pregnancies in my office this year than I have in my twenty plus years of being a doctor."

The guilt I am feeling is weird. I don't feel like its my fault this has happened. But I feel guilty that everyone is sad for me. I also feel guilty that I got my parents and David's parents excited for their first grandchild and now they have to be sad too. I wish now that we hadn't told anyone. I also feel guilty that I'm not returning phone calls of people who are just worried about us.

I just don't want to explain this to people. When I have to explain that I didn't "lose the baby" and that technically there probably was no baby, I feel like some people react with a "well, than there really wasn't a loss" outlook. Like, since there wasn't a baby, it wasn't as bad. And not because they are bad people, but because they can't understand. Losing a baby we thought was there but wasn't, hurts terrible too.

And the number one worst thing about talkng to people (especailly in person or one the phone) is hearing them say "I'm sorry" because the only response I can manage is "It's ok" and it chokes me up and brings tears to my eyes because in my heart that statement is a downright lie. Because to me, it isn't ok.

Add to that the fact that in my circle of friends, I'm the tough one, the one that gives the advice, the one with the head on her shoulders.. now I have breakdown and be the one that needs the support and its weird and hard, when I'm used to being the one strong for others.. so instead I keep finding myself trying to be strong for others for my own loss.

I am angry with nature. I feel like she scammed us. Nature is a big con artist. She made me believe I was going to have a baby. She let me and my husband rub my belly and talk to a baby that wasn't there until I was "12 weeks" and then yelled "You've been punked!". On top of pulling it away, we got left with rules that said we can't try to concieve again for a year and that I have a chance of developing molar pregnacy related cancer. Worst consolation prizes ever.